Assertive Humility

There are two types toward whom people gravitate.  One is the kid, good at whatever it is his particular group does.  He can throw a wicked fast ball, knows all the greatest super heroes, thinks of the most creative games with his friends.  He's good at these things and has the self-assurance to go along with them.  With actions that speak, "I'm good at what I do and I know it, but this doesn't make me better than anyone else."  No arrogance, just great ability paired with confidence.  People dig it.

And the other?  The girl who recognizes her mistakes, realizes her shortcomings, boldly takes responsibility, makes amends then objectively moves on.  Without a whine or a bid for others' approval, no fishing for compliments along the way, she avoids wallowing in timidity or overcompensating with bravado.  She gives a nod to her imperfections but has the self-assurance to admit confidently and sincerely when she's come up short.  A recognition that "I mess up at times, I know it, and now I will be judged for my response to adversity."  No self-pity, just great humility, working to learn from her mistakes, paired with confidence. People respect it.

My girls, it will be hard work, but can we be both types?  If so, we can inspire so many more.

Lift your attitude or crash into a boat - your choice.

"Attitude", the LSO (Landing Signals Officer) called, as the pilot allowed the airplane's nose to drop too low to make a proper arrested landing.  With its nose not high enough, a tactical jet's hook will not touch down at the right point - just prior to the arresting cable - for the hook to catch the wire and for the plane to stop in what little runway remains.  This problem is typically not due to some unforeseen, last minute, force upon the jet preventing its nose from rising, but an issue that goes back approximately 45 seconds prior, when the pilot should have controlled his airspeed, altitude, rate of descent, and heading such that he could fly the thing "hands off". An airplane not appropriately trimmed and "on speed" will always have issues while flying the ball.  Even so, and with just seconds before touchdown, the pilot has a choice to make: input a small nose up correction to put the aircraft in the proper attitude, or risk missing the wire and having to go around to try it all again.

We've seen this exact scenario play out so many times in our own lives, even when we don't step anywhere near an airplane.  We don't like our boss, or a coworker, and while we might have been able to prevent a situation by correcting our own attitude in previous engagements, we let the problem fester. The tension becomes tangible at work and affects us at home. We treat our loved ones poorly because we can only focus on the evil who is that coworker.

We don't see eye to eye with our parents, but we refuse to see our own fault in the matter, or we're afraid to bring up an issue that may be difficult to deal with.  The problem continues too long until it hurts the relationship.

Our kids will just not stop crying.  Or asking for things.  Or demanding our time.  How is this a problem?  It leads to bitterness because we can't do, or watch, what we want. And it's clearly all their fault.

So what's the problem here?  Our terrible bosses?  Possibly.  Our horrible parents?  Unlikely.  Our overly needy kids.  Nope.  It's our own attitude.  It's managing our own expectations.  It's realizing that seldom is anything perfect and that we either need to change our situations or change how we look at them. How many times have you expected to leave work early on a Friday, get yourself mentally ready, and find yourself staying until you can "only" leave 30 minutes early?  It ruins what should otherwise be a normal weekend. And yet because our expectations aren't under control, we ruin it for ourselves. Nobody ruined it for us.  Not even the boss, that heathen, who made us stay.  Our parents (for most) aren't out to get us and neither are our kids. Most of the time, problems with coworkers aren't caused by the other one having a directed vendetta against us.  Whatever the situation, difficult as it may be, our own negative outlook will only make the problem worse.  For ourselves.

Like the pilot who should have made his airplane right before he even started his turn to land, we need to make the decision to get our perspectives in order before we leave for work in the morning.  Before we engage with our parents.  Or, to avoid the frustration of a Saturday morning sleep-in cut short by miniature people, before we go to bed Friday night.  Managing our attitudes and expectations toward our lives, and maintaining positive outlooks will only help us navigate difficulty and more fully enjoy the sweet times in life.  It's not easy, and so many times it never will be, but it is fully under our control.  My attitude is always my own, and only my own, to affect.  It's one of the few things we all have in equal proportions.  Changing it early on will always be beneficial.

And when we mess this up and find ourselves cursing our bad positions, we need to pause, add in a small nose up correction, and lift our attitudes before we crash and burn.

This one takes real energy

I've been reading Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future by Tim Elmore.  I'm not sure he intended this, but he's described a recipe for positive change that I think applies to anyone, not just our youngest generation.  This recipe I've seen in action at North Coast Church in Vista, CA, and I think many of our great leaders exercise it.

1. Accept people, despite our faults.

2. Build an experience they can connect with.

3. Give them a cause to seize and work for.

Hunger, strife, poverty, education, health, fitness, work, family, love.  Around the globe or within your family.  It doesn't matter.  Do this for people and they will see the importance that is larger than themselves.  Once that happens, watch as they change the world.  Or your world.

Can I Just Call This One "Leadership"?

As I was unpacking boxes following our cross-country move, I can upon some of my papers from several years back.  This one caught my attention as I join a new organization and manage the fear and uncertainty that plagues children during a significant life change.

"Leadership is a daunting task, one which is entrusted to a select group of individuals.  In some cases, it is a position granted from above to those who fulfill certain requirements.  As one proves ability and skill, that person is entrusted with more and more responsibility and a greater leadership role.  In all cases, it is a privilege entrusted by one person to another whose ability to manage, inspire, and motivate is greater than his own.  Leaders rise to the top.  Some are given a head start by the schools they complete or the organizations they join.  Some start from the very bottom, working their ways to the top through the people they touch and the accomplishments they make.  Sometimes, these cases coincide and the great leader is recognized from those above and below.  Other times, the viewpoints differ, and the leader's ability is not necessarily appreciated by one end or the other.

"What is more important, to be recognized by those above as a great leader while those subordinate grumble and trudge, waiting for the first opportunity to oust "the boss"?  Or, to win the respect and admiration of those subordinates, but be ignored by those in authority?  If power and advancement is the goal, the former is preferable.  If, however, ensuring the success of the mission is the goal, the latter scenario must prevail.

"The lower a person is on the hierarchy, the more grunt work there typically is in the job description.  Without this grunt work, the task cannot be accomplished.  Thus, as leaders, we must strive to give all those who work for us, at every level, the tools they need to accomplish their missions.  These tools may take the form of information, skills, or even personal advice or moral guidance.  Information and skills come with study, practice, and experience; they can be taught.  Entering the personal realm is much more difficult.  We as leaders must know our people.  We need to have an understanding of what drives them, their strengths, and their weaknesses.  Understanding these characteristics about people can help us focus our efforts and provide them with the specialized, personal attention and care each one needs.  When people know that they are taken care of, both professionally and personally, they will then trust a leader.  With this trust comes commitment, and the committed person will walk through hell for a leader, knowing the leader has given everything possible for a mission's success.

"Everyone wants to advance, and through the empowerment of subordinates a leader will ultimately find favor with those above.  Inspire those below and they will move the earth.  Through his humility the great leader will always credit the organization, but those above will hold him in esteem for his unit's accomplishments, just as they will find him accountable for any failure.

"It is with this philosophy that I view my role as a leader.  People are the most important asset we have in this world.  Without them, progress and industry halt.  If I serve the people under my charge, giving them the tools necessary to succeed and trusting in their creativity and initiative, they will produce astounding results.  Ronald Reagan warned us to "trust, but verify."  Through this trust, the ingenuity of individuals will flourish and the vision of any organization will prevail.

"I have thus far been successful through the application of this philosophy.  I know, however, that it can be improved upon.  I must always listen, consume, adapt, and apply the lessons out there from other people's experiences and wisdom.  Honing my leadership philosophy and skills will lead to a better ability to serve my Marines or any others whose lives are entrusted to me.  Before I can ask for their best, I must offer them my own.  As the gospel of Luke reminds us, 'From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.'"

I wrote this in the context of leading Marines.  It think it clearly applies to leading children, and I hope that I can apply the same diligence to my young girls that I apply to the lives of our young Marines.

Follow from the front.

Your dad is the kind of guy who wants only to know what needs to happen.  Maybe get a few details to help guide the way, and then be left to his own devices to finish what needs to be done.  He likes to treat others the same way, including you two.  In his own mind, at least, he's smart enough to realize that neither you girls, nor other people necessarily work the same way.

One of you is just like him.  He asks you to do something then gets out of your way.  Any other interference is just that, no matter how well-intentioned.  A girl after his own heart. The smaller one of you, well, he's not so sure yet.  You're still at the point where he asks for something and either you do it, he gets a head shake, or there's a clueless look that could melt ice.  He's not sure how he wants you to turn out, but waits eagerly to see how you grow.

If you become a person who wants to have input, direction, guidance, and pats on the back along the way, he will try to accommodate.  Whatever way you operate, there will always be a clear desire to treat both of you the way that will foster the most constructive and beneficial activity.  And don't forget happiness.  Again, with all the best intentions.

But what happens when he doesn't quite realize what brings out your greatest potential?  When you realize this, what is the best way for you to act?  Cooperative followership, whether or not he knows it.  Because it's not only the leader that needs to think and adapt.

Oh Crap, It's My Chance to Shine

Girls, this will happen to you.

Your teacher, coach, boss will say, "I need you to ..." then finish with something like do a presentation on the Pythagorean Theorem.  Or lead today's calisthenics.  Or head up a new working group.  The first reaction for many:  Oh crap, why me?  After that, you have a choice to make.

You can mope and sulk and wonder how it came about that you got stuck with this.

Or, you dive in, ask questions, apply some thought and hard work.  Do your best, add value to what you've been given, and realize that it's not about your own comfort, it's about making things around you better.  Now you have an opportunity to prove yourself.  Show what you can do.

And shine.

Traditionally Valueless

Girls,

It's Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Easter.  Maybe at church, school, or eventually work.  You'll decorate a certain way, say certain things, or otherwise establish your habitual patterns.  This can be good.  Habit patterns make the things we do easier.  By practicing we get better at them.  Through repetition we make fewer mistakes.  And when the things we do have shown to be beneficial to either ourselves, those around us, or our organizations, we should keep doing them.

Here's the rub: When those things aren't so beneficial anymore, we should stop.  Does that Christmas tradition we, as your parents, imposed upon you during childhood make you happy anymore, or is it just a chore you feel you have to continue?  Are you learning from the traditional way of teaching or is more of a hindrance?  Are you worshiping the same way because it still glorifies God or have you become stagnant in your faith?

These are questions you'll have to answer yourself when the time comes.  As much as I (or others important to you) may try to influence the answer, you're going to have to decide for yourself whether or not the things you do are providing value.

Daddy